The Art of Fear

Facing the monster

Today’s post is a bit off-script. I’m going to relay my thoughts on current affairs. But I am going to preface it by saying: There is an art in the use of fear.

When I was very young—we are talking from birth to about 10 years of age—I had people in authority over me who meant me harm. They were supposed to take care of me. They not only didn’t want that job, but some of them were actively trying to harm me or erase me.

They used bullying tactics more often than not. Threats and shadows on the walls. Yes, it became physical at times, but the majority of it was psychological tactics, mental torture, which isn’t hard to do with a very small child with no life experience and no one coming to their recuse. You feel isolated. Helpless. Of course you aren’t going to resist. You fear for your life. You fear all that the nightmares will come to life.

I used to have night terrors. I sleepwalked. I thought I heard voices talking to me in the dark, calling to me in threatening baritone voices—actually calling my name. Once, in the dead of night in my bedroom, I heard someone unseen say, “I want to tell you a secret but you have to want to listen.” I told it I didn’t want to know its secret because I didn’t. I couldn’t handle whatever it was going to tell me. It did not answer me after that.

I cried myself to sleep a LOT. I used to become physically sick with fear. I had stomachaches. I threw up from it. I went mute for a short time from it. I became empathic to it. It became a part of me. I began to write about it, perhaps because I hoped someone out there might understand.

I learned all about the artform that is fear. I learned how people use it like a weapon.

After a while, I unburdened myself from my fears. It took a lot of work, so when I say I took myself out of those fears, I don’t say flippantly. It was agonizingly difficult. It took a reordering of my entire life. There were costs.

This job is not for the faint of heart. I had to fight monsters. A lot of it was distancing myself from those monsters. Sometimes, though, I had to face them. I had to shout them down.

I’m seeing a lot of fear now. New policies are being enacted or just reached for that will harm a lot of people, most of them vulnerable and marginalized. I won’t lie: The idea of the least of us being harmed rips ragged holes in my soul. I have always, always tried to champion those who are preyed on as best I can. I may not have the resources for real, big change, but I try to uplift those who are in their dark corners. I oppose whatever darkness I find to the best of my ability because when I was a child, no one stood up for me. No one came for me.

But it’s easy to be corrupted, to fall into cyclic abuse. Still, I vowed I would not become that darkness. I would fight it tooth and nail even if it killed me. I would use my own darkness if need be. But I would not bow to it.

Most of what is happening right now is fear tactics. I am not minimizing the impact of any of these pushes toward a (new) old fascist regime, but these days are not the final ones. These are merely the stepping stones that those in power are using to cut down powerful resistance. If they can make you afraid, you will turn on each other. You will be paralyzed with fear. And that makes their job so much easier.

Because if it’s one thing I’ve learned is that monsters are fucking lazy. Fascists don’t actually want a coup. They don’t want battles or bloodshed. Such efforts lead them to being harmed. They must then take damage. A great white shark has to close its eyes before it takes a bite out of a victim; it can’t risk being attacked by its prey.

The movement right now, in all of its terrible colors and rotten splendor, is an effort to make you afraid. Fearful. To show you the awful shadow monsters so you comply without them lifting a finger. Once you’re afraid of them, you are submissive to them. Out of ear, you will do whatever they want you to do.

Ultimately, though, they’re shadows. They have no real substance. Eventually, people see through them. Fascist regimes don’t survive because they’re built on the shifting sands of fear. The middle cannot hold in such faulty structures.

Fascist regimes grow…but they also die. They die quite often. France has practically made a career of crushing fascist regimes. Germany is putting forth great effort right now.

Don’t comply in advance. Don’t submit in advance. Don’t be afraid. I know that’s hard to do, believe me. I’ve been there. I’ve been down in the belly of the fear beast. I’ve fought it. I had scars from fighting it. But I survived it.

We’ll get through this. I promise. This isn’t over.

But whatever you do, don’t comply in advance. Get up off your knees. Meet them eye to eye and toe to toe. Tell them they aren’t the first. There are always men like you.